Urinetown

Urinetown was a popular send up of musicals a few years ago. Not really that good, as I recall. But I experienced my own personal Urinetown last week.

A 24 hour urine test is not a big deal at all, compared to the multitude of tests, scans, biopsies and procedures you can have. You simply collect all your urine from a 24 hour period, excluding the first one of the day. Why then did I have so much trouble?

The medical technician presented me with a one gallon orange receptacle, similar to a bottle of Tide. "Maybe I need a bigger one," I joked.  "I can give you two," he quickly responded. Yikes, how much urine can one person produce in a day? It's not a question most people often contemplate, unless you've recently been on a Carnival cruise.

"You can store it outside or on the porch--that way you don't need to refrigerate it," my helpful tech continued. "That's a relief," I said. Not that you'd mix up the orange jug with your orange juice, but it's preferable not to have close proximity.

Deferring to the female anatomy, my tech included a hard plastic urine cup. I put that in the upstairs bath and set aside a softer plastic cup in the downstairs bath. The orange container rested in my mud room. All set for the next morning.

I soon learned the advantage of the official hard plastic urine cup, when I squeezed the softer one and was sprayed with ...yes. Enough said.  I got better during the day with a well organized system of transferring urine to gallon jug from various bathrooms.

When Gary got home from work, I said, "Hold on. I just have to go to the bathroom." I quickly stripped down to my underwear and disappeared into the powder room.
"What??"
I explained the splash problem and noted that I had already generated some extra laundry, so this was my new system.
"Not familiar with that as a problem," Gary replied.

Far from filling the bottle, I registered a mere two inches at the bottom of the jug. Poor production, I thought. How weak. I momentarily considered watering it down. I didn't want to make an embarrassing showing--not that it was a contest. I did have to make up for the spillage factor. Finally decided to stay the course, as Gary raised the spector of kidney biopsies or further tests to explain strange results.

'Should I just dump this then and start a new 24 hour period?" There was some discussion involving the words--obsessive behavior, and latent potty training trauma--so i wisely concluded to drop off the jug and move on.  My cute, young med tech was not there when I delivered my specimen, so I didn't share any experiences with the stone faced woman who replaced him. Perhaps best all around.

Got my results and here's the best part. I get to do it again next month!